Listening to yourself

Written by Kimi Kang


Posted on June 10 2023

I used to have a good friend who always said that her anxiety was acting up. I never understood what that meant because in my mind I didn't have anxiety. I also didn't live the same high-stress lifestyle she did. At my core, I'm idealistic and a recluse. That's the perfect combo to be slightly out of touch with reality. However, when I started truly "adulting" life felt sobering. I wasn't particularly happy or fulfilled even though my life looked good on paper.

I suppose I had been dissociating for a long time that I was no longer connected to my mind or body. I didn't realize what was occurring inside of me because I had just ignored anything that felt bad and tried to look on the bright side. Toxic positivity is a thing and it can really undermine you addressing your truth.

It's super hard to "feel your feelings" when you have trained yourself to push through any and everything. I thought my mental strength and resilience were positive attributes. My body thought otherwise. I went through several years of mysterious illnesses that no doctor could figure out. My body was SCREAMING at me. I remember having a random coughing blood episode that landed me in the hospital quarantined for about a week (pre-covid); the craziest part was that it felt like a vacation. Imagine being so overwhelmed by your day-to-day that even being sick with hospital lights in a cold room feels like a vacation.

My body had rebelled against me for no apparent medical reason. I felt like I needed Dr. House, but I actually needed to listen to me-the me I had ignored for so long. That version of me was hurting and begging for help and attention.
I've been trying to listen to myself more in recent years. I honor my intuition and, I try to peel back the layers of my preconceived notices of what things should be, including who and what I should be. I read (well, listen to audio) books about psychology and healing for trauma and setting boundaries. I think about the importance of health concerning what we consume- by mouth and otherwise.

All this to say- the journey to becoming attuned to myself has been quite the journey and, I realize it is a lifelong one. When we doubt ourselves or ignore ourselves, I firmly believe there comes a time when we just can't anymore.
For me, the time is now. If the time is now for you, comment and share your story. Your journey awaits...and we are right here for you.

with so much love,
-The Alkimist






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